Friday, April 13, 2012

Lost Irony 2: Electric Boogaloo

I have braved the Shit Parade of Sex and the City for another season. and boy what a puss filled axe wound of a show. As I sat through episode after episode I was reminded of something my good buddy Mike Murphy once said to me when I was trying to convince him to borrow season one of Babylon 5, he said " If you watch something long enough regardless of whether or not its good, you will eventually grow emotionally attached to some aspect in the show" . Well I am here to prove that theory wrong. I really couldn't give a flying fuck if a meteorite hit all of these useless bags of skin tomorrow and rid the world of their neurosis. The second season of the show has numerous ingredients that should by the laws of physics alone elevate it out of the unflushed toilet it so rightfully dwells in, but alas no not even a brief cameo from the shit eating grin of Bradley Cooper can save this car wreck.

   The Season opens with something you think would interest me Baseball!, but alas it was New York Yankees Baseball so the interest level goes from hmmmm to fuck you! in one swing of the bat. The following Episode revolves around some unfortunate woman and her extremely angry and abusive husband. And as this episode plods along you really think this woman is going to do the right thing and leave this mouth breather and move on with her life, but no they get back together and apparently patch up their differences by getting a yappy little mutt for the angry husband  to shout at....which is anti Peta equivalent of having a Baby to save a marriage, I reckon there was an un aired ending to this episode in which this dopey wench was found dead in a dumpster about a month later.

The next few episodes are fleeting attempts to divert the attention away from The fuckedupidness of the Female characters in the show by showing how Men can be weird, how its possible for a Woman  to actually branch out and be her own person while in the same breath show that it takes a fake cameo from Leo DiCaprio to fix a shitty sub plot. And also the return of the Hero of last Season Mr Big who in a downgrade has had his nice guy person removed in order to make the new Mr Nice Guy down to earth so nice no one can believe it Steve seem like the most ultimate orgasm inducing dude ever. The Season moves along through a copy & paste of the Carrie & Big plot from season 1 , which then shockingly comes to a head with the same result as the last time...they go their separate ways , this time with Big fucking off to Paris on very important work related stuff (those tailored suits don't pay for themselves you know) . Now the next scene is one of the worst examples of on screen symbolism i have ever seen crow bared into existence. The scene is Carrie in Bed with Blue covers ,blue pillows wearing a blue nightie all lit up by a pale blue moon...seriously!..this show goes on for another four seasons and two movies and Firefly only lasted for one! What the fuck is wrong with the world we live in.

 So Carrie does the impossible and actually manages to convince a few poor desperate bastards to actually sleep with her , even going so far as to call  an old tick as a ditch full of horseshit fuck buddy out of retirement  so she can feel good about herself , then she dates a recovering alcoholic who has serious dependency issues who low and behold Is called Paddy Mc Shaughnessy Michael D'arby O'Gill Ahern or something exceedingly offensive to every Irish man out there...of course we are all recovering alchos who want to find a woman exactly like their I fucking hate this show. She of course fucks this poor cunt up beyond all hope and he hits the bottle hard. This is how the show continues , she meets a dude finds or creates a problem and then moves along,  that is until the last few episodes in which Big returns from Paris with a new taller,prettier,quieter, less crazy ....pretty much not Carrie Bradshaw , and announces that he is planning on Marrying her.

I'd like to point out that at that moment in the episode I burst out laughing pointed at the screen , guffawed..almost had an asthma attack due to lack of breath

  Of course The Cunt of the show (Carrie for those not keeping up) has a major issue with this , How dare he go to Paris after she told him again that it was over and they were through and find a nice non crazy girl to fall for while she whores around New York city fucking up Men beyond repair , how dare he...such an asshole. Have I said how much I hate this bitch.

Then we arrive at the final episode of the season (Thank fuck) which is the most ironic piece of television I have ever seen. Charlotte the prissy romantic uptight gallery owner of the group is trying to overcome her fear of horse with Carrie in tow...seriously this is either the most obvious play on the horse joke thing or the writers are really fucking dumb. Carrie herself is trying to come to terms with Big's engagement which comes to a head in a scene which had been so heavily telegraphed by the four main characters of the show in the previous scene I firmly believe it is proof that this show actually one giant outreach program for screenwriters who are recovering brain transplant patients , unexpectedly on purpose runs into him and his future docile Wife as they leave their engagement shindig. He tells her that he is marrying this Girl because she is simply and uncomplicated , which as we all know is a really nice way of telling Carrie that his new lady isn't a neurotic self obsessed over analytical cuntrag like she is. Carrie basically in an inner monologue decides to interpret this as something else  (I swear to God I ain't making this up) and declares that she is a horse that he just couldn't tame or break or whatever ...I was doing my damnedest to A) Give a shit and B) Stay awake at this stage . She was saying this in her head while she stared at this horse

 She then walks away while Big stares at her and it fades to black...I'm pretty damn sure he then hoped into his chauffeur driven limo went home and did all sorts to his new less complicated normal Fiance while Carrie headed off into the night to find the next guy she can fuck up.

Season 3 is up next..which I think I have actually seen a few episodes of before , We get introduced to the Nice Guy Handy man Aidan who becomes Carries new Love interest/Victim.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I just wanted to say thanks

I started Playing the Mass Effect series when it was first released on the Xbox. I instantly fell in love with the universe, its look and feel and its brilliant Sci Fi storylines. Five years and three games consoles later I have finished the epic tale of Commander Sheppard and his crew as they battle against the Reapers and their bid to destroy biological life across the galaxy. It has been a rocky road but I have loved every single second of it ending and all. So imagine my surprise when hordes of my fellow Gaming folk took to the internet to voice their displeasure with regard's to how Commander Sheppard's tale ends so much so the they pretty much bullied the games developers Bioware into releasing some free DLC to rectify the issue. This is dickery of George Lucas proportions , but instead of the blame resting with the creators of this brilliant franchise that asshole(s) of the year award in my humble opinion goes to us the Fans for being such whiney bitches. So as a sign of gratitude I wrote an email to Bioware, just saying thanks . Here it is for your perusal . Take from it what you will.


I have noticed that since the release of Mass Effect 3 the internet has been awash with people claiming to be big fans of the franchise angrily denouncing the ending of the final game in the trilogy.  Well I will not be doing that in this email. Instead Ill just be saying thank you. Thank you for the hard work of everyone involved , from the designers to the programmers to the testers. In a market swamped with Calls to Duty in Modern Warfare and Creeds of long dead Assassin's your games are beacons of excellence in gameplay and longevity.

The Mass Effect games are easily my favourite franchise of this console generation . They are number one in storytelling , voice acting and design. This level of excellence can only be found with Bioware , who in the face of all this negativity have shown that they are a games company that care what the fans think by releasing DLC that will appease the enraged , now that is service at a standard rarely seen these days.

I myself had zero problems with the numerous endings of the third instalment of Mass Effect , after hundreds of hours of great game play it was a nice subdued ending that some Hollywood Sci-Fi blockbusters wish they could pull off.

So basically , to sum up my wordy email let me just say Kudos , and Thanks . thanks for Mass Effect from beginning to Middle , to The End. All of it . I loved every second and will continue to love it during numerous playthroughs

I played as Commander Sheppard and this is my favourite gaming franchise on the Citadel (And Beyond).


Wayne Talbot